Crappy Town: 5 things I hate about the new ABC series Happy Town

Wow.

1.  After two episodes, I can safely conclude that the most clever thing about ABC’s new series is the ironic title.  Happy Town?  Hardly.  The show leaves audiences a mix of bored, angry, sad and inexplicably chafed in hard to clean areas.  My understanding is that the working title was “Steven Weber on the set of Happy Town: I’m a celebrity get me Out of here.  No, seriously, if I can’t get out of this contract, I at least want to fire my agent.”

2.  The showmakers are aiming for the intriguing atmosphere of Twin Peaks and coming up with something closer to the functionally retarded feel of the Prison Break universe.

3.  Actually, even more so it reminds me of CBS’s also crappy Harper’s Island, but at least a shit ton of meaningful characters got stabbed, maimed, mutilated, crinkled and smeared around in that one. Outside of a molester-y guy taking a railroad spike to the forehead in the opening scene, the best shock Happy Town can muster is a chopped off hand, which leads to:

4.  When I was in elementary school, one of the kids in my class had his thumb and pinky chopped off.  They sewed them back on, but the limbs never grew.  They were like these dried out, curved, little hard nub-fingers that weren’t very flexible or useful.  In Happy Town, the Sherriff gets his entire hand chopped off and reattached, and it’s looking like that’s just going to work. OMFG. If that thing doesn’t look like a shriveled up monkey’s paw that would grant me 3 wishes next week, I’m outta here.

5.  Amy Acker is awesome.  She is funny and charismatic.  You wouldn’t realize these things in watching an episode of Shittsburgh, though.  She gets like 3 lines while her douchey husband cavemans around town hamfisting the fuck out of everything in his path.

So there you have it, and judging by the ratings, America agrees with me.