31 Days of Horror – October 11th – “Doomsday”

In 20o7, a deadly virus pandemic breaks out in northern UK. The British government’s solution is a massive quarantine over all of Scotland. Those left in the quarantine area are left to fend for themselves, which doesn’t go over so well.

Fast forward about 20 years later and enter our badass leading lady, Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra), complete with eyepatch. The Reaper Virus is back, and the Big Kahunas send an elite group of soldiers into No Man’s Land formerly known as Scotland to see if they can find anything that might lead to a cure. Who is selected to head up the task but our one-eyed heroine… who, coincidentally was one of the last few lucky people to make it over the wall the night they put the quarantine into effect.

I was mega excited to see this “Doomsday“, having enjoyed both of Neil Marshall’s previous films (“The Descent” and “Dog Soldiers“). The opening scene had my interest piqued- massive disease pandemics are high on my creep list.  About twenty minutes in, the movie takes a more bleak, post-apocalyptic angle. Right on! I’m thinking “Fallout 3 meets Half Life 2: The Movie”, and I’m ready for some action! About thirty minutes in, the movie makes a 90 degree turn for the 80′s. Complete with the psychotic bad guy, Sol, with his silly punk rock hair-do and spiked jacket. Sol does a jig on stage, eats some human flesh, and I’m lost.

TV Casualties Rating: out of 5

Run Time: 105 minutes

Directed by: Neil Marshall

Written by: Neil Marshall

Starring: Rhona Mitra, Craig Conway, Sean Pertwee

Theatrical Release: 03/14/08

DVD Release: 07/29/08

Production Budget: $33 million

Domestic Gross: $11 million

Metacritic Score: 51/100

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 48%

The confusion doesn’t end there, either- there’s still a “Gladiator” scene, a car chase scene that looks a little more like a car commercial than anything else, and the neatly packaged ending.

There’s so much wrong with “Doomsday“, and so much that could have been right. Either the disease pandemic angle or the bleak post-apocalyptic angles could have been awesomely scary. And if Marshall wanted to do an 80′s action/apocalypse homage, that’s cool, too, but pick a genre and stick with it. I’m not necessarily a big fan of the medieval-meets-cheesy-punk-rock apocalypse style, but I’d tolerate it if the movie at least made sense.

“Doomsday” has a disconnected feel, as if it were written in 10 or 20 minute chunks that wind up not really corresponding to one another. Eden’s eye patch, for example, disappears after her first scene.

This was Marshall’s first big budget movie, and think a lot of directors get dollar sign fever when they finally get the big budget. They forget the old adage that “less is more.” Hopefully Marshall will get back to basics for his next feature.

31 Days of Horror – October 5th – “The Uninvited”

The writers and directors of this movie should be Uninvited… from their professions.

“The Uninvited” opens with what turns out to be a crappy dream sequence. The main character, Anna (Emily Browning), is making out with her boyfriend at a party on the beach. He says, “I love you. And I have a condom.” And we say, “What the fuck?”  Apparently she has the same reaction because she stands abruptly and runs into the (very fake looking) woods. In the (very fake looking) woods, she discovers a little girl’s dead body in a garbage bag, which really has nothing to do with the rest of the story, just in case you were wondering. She proceeds to her home, where we see her sick mother in a hospital bed with a bell tied around her wrist. And then…. kaboom!

The next thing we know, Anna’s being released from a mental institution, with this farewell advice from her psychiatrist, “You’ve got to finish what you started.” Here’s a tip for the amateur screenwriter: The ironic line from the beginning of the movie that the main character will no doubt wind up repeating at the end of the movie really loses the effect when it’s delivered through a bullhorn.

“The Uninvited” is such a collosal failure at writing and direction- made pathetically worse because it’s based on a fanfuckingtastic Korean movie called “A Tale of Two Sisters“. “Two Sisters” is in my top ten favorite horror movies, and definitely somewhere in my top movies of all time. It’s got an excellent story, legitimately scary scenes (like “Ju-on (The Grudge)“, it’s one of few movies with scenes that are not to be repeated in my presence), and competent acting. The American “remake” has none of these things.

TV Casualties Rating: out of 5

Run Time: 93 minutes

Directed by: Charles Guard, Thomas Guard

Written by: Craig Rosenberg, Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard

Starring: Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel, Elizabeth Banks

Theatrical Release: 01/30/09

DVD Release: 04/28/09

Production Budget: N/A

Domestic Gross: $28 million

Metacritic Score: 43/100

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 32%

“The Uninvited” suffers from Insecure Writing Syndrome. Symptoms include: expository dialogue, unnecessary voice over, and the insertion of a superfluous love interest. The mystery and intrigue that made the original are no where to be found in “The Uninvited“. Perhaps the writers felt the original storyline was too complicated. The twists in “Two Sisters” are the kind that make you need/want to go back and watch the movie again, but I count that as a good thing. “The Uninvited” has actually been made more confusing and is rife with plot holes- I’m sure if I went back and watched it again (no thanks), it’d make even less sense the second time around.

At the very least, one would hope that a crappy remake would just directly copy the scary scenes from the original movie, right? Wrong. Clearly the people making this movie had no idea or interest in what made the original good in the first place.

I, like Anna, should have ignored that doctor’s advice. I should have turned it off after the first line like my gut told me to and NOT finished what I started. Save yourself the annoyance and check out the original.