31 Days of Horror – October 5th – “The Uninvited”

The writers and directors of this movie should be Uninvited… from their professions.

“The Uninvited” opens with what turns out to be a crappy dream sequence. The main character, Anna (Emily Browning), is making out with her boyfriend at a party on the beach. He says, “I love you. And I have a condom.” And we say, “What the fuck?”  Apparently she has the same reaction because she stands abruptly and runs into the (very fake looking) woods. In the (very fake looking) woods, she discovers a little girl’s dead body in a garbage bag, which really has nothing to do with the rest of the story, just in case you were wondering. She proceeds to her home, where we see her sick mother in a hospital bed with a bell tied around her wrist. And then…. kaboom!

The next thing we know, Anna’s being released from a mental institution, with this farewell advice from her psychiatrist, “You’ve got to finish what you started.” Here’s a tip for the amateur screenwriter: The ironic line from the beginning of the movie that the main character will no doubt wind up repeating at the end of the movie really loses the effect when it’s delivered through a bullhorn.

“The Uninvited” is such a collosal failure at writing and direction- made pathetically worse because it’s based on a fanfuckingtastic Korean movie called “A Tale of Two Sisters“. “Two Sisters” is in my top ten favorite horror movies, and definitely somewhere in my top movies of all time. It’s got an excellent story, legitimately scary scenes (like “Ju-on (The Grudge)“, it’s one of few movies with scenes that are not to be repeated in my presence), and competent acting. The American “remake” has none of these things.

TV Casualties Rating: out of 5

Run Time: 93 minutes

Directed by: Charles Guard, Thomas Guard

Written by: Craig Rosenberg, Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard

Starring: Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel, Elizabeth Banks

Theatrical Release: 01/30/09

DVD Release: 04/28/09

Production Budget: N/A

Domestic Gross: $28 million

Metacritic Score: 43/100

Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 32%

“The Uninvited” suffers from Insecure Writing Syndrome. Symptoms include: expository dialogue, unnecessary voice over, and the insertion of a superfluous love interest. The mystery and intrigue that made the original are no where to be found in “The Uninvited“. Perhaps the writers felt the original storyline was too complicated. The twists in “Two Sisters” are the kind that make you need/want to go back and watch the movie again, but I count that as a good thing. “The Uninvited” has actually been made more confusing and is rife with plot holes- I’m sure if I went back and watched it again (no thanks), it’d make even less sense the second time around.

At the very least, one would hope that a crappy remake would just directly copy the scary scenes from the original movie, right? Wrong. Clearly the people making this movie had no idea or interest in what made the original good in the first place.

I, like Anna, should have ignored that doctor’s advice. I should have turned it off after the first line like my gut told me to and NOT finished what I started. Save yourself the annoyance and check out the original.